


In Love and War

by jeepsarmitage



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 22:23:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3185429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeepsarmitage/pseuds/jeepsarmitage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The worst part is knowing that, no matter how many terrible things Karma does to you, you will never do anything horrible back to her."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which Lauren is kinda cool, maybe

**BEFORE**

 

On average, a human heart beats 129 600 times a day. That’s 5 400 times an hour and 90 times a minute. For Amy, this was probably quadrupled because every time she saw Karma with her gorgeous hair and stupidly beautiful face, her heart seemed to quicken and Amy was sure that if she stared any longer it would beat right out of her chest and thump along the footpath. Of course, she knew this wouldn’t happen, and in fact her rising heart rate was simply a natural reaction to her attraction to Karma, but Amy liked to imagine her beating heart bouncing along the road because it distracted her long enough to pretend that she hadn’t seen Karma in the first place and thus limit the likeliness of her collapsing from her lack of breath - another issue all together. 

 

It wasn’t that Amy was outright avoiding Karma, she was just trying to not be where Karma currently was. She told herself that it was just because she needed space to sort her head out, but she knew it was because wherever Karma was, Liam was likely to be, and she didn’t have the strength to see them together now that they were an out and proud couple. No one could really blame her for that, and when she walked down the corridors, people would stop and pat her on the shoulder muttering “I’m sorry, Amy” or “if it makes you feel better, everyone is on your side,” or “it was really harsh of her to do that to you,” and Amy would do a small victory dance in her head because although Karma had gotten the guy she wanted, people didn’t approve of her the way she had wanted and even though she felt mean for thinking it, she was glad Karma was getting at least some backlash from this whole shitty situation. 

 

Shane helped, despite his loyalties to Liam he still sat with her at lunch and hung out with her on weekends. He didn’t mind when she turned down his party invitations with the lame excuses of “I need to help my mum with stuff” or “I don’t feel well” because he knew that she just didn’t want to see drunk Karma sucking face with drunk Liam in a corner. He still invited her anyway, on the off chance she wanted to go, and Amy was thankful for that because she knew that he was letting her know that just because Karma wasn’t around anymore, she was still “popular” or whatever. Not that she cared too much about her social status, but it was nice knowing she had at least one friend. 

 

It didn’t make up for the Karma-shaped hole left in her heart. Neither did the extensive amounts of netflix watching that she partook in on the nights when Shane was off entertaining people. Her mum tried and failed to get her to go out, and eventually resigned herself to the fact that without Karma, Amy was not going to go anywhere. 

 

Sometimes Lauren would coerce her out of the house. They would go to a cafe and drink mocha’s in silence. Lauren would read - something she did a lot of but pretended she didn’t - and Amy would stare out the window, trying desperately to not think about the last time she was at this cafe with _her._ She would think of puppies and holidays and they guy she convinced herself she was in love with in the fifth grade, causing herself to chuckle slightly and Lauren would look over the top of her book, raising an eyebrow as if to say “I heard that, you weirdo” and Amy would shrug and take a sip of her too-hot mocha, relishing in the fact that maybe she wasn’t all that depressed. 

 

Now that summer was here, she was going through the motions, really. Each day was robotic and pre-planned and Amy had this whole “pretend to be somewhat alright” act perfected. She would go down for breakfast and answer her mum’s questions, smile and kiss her goodbye before going to her room and watching a marathon of animal documentaries, (or maybe Keeping Up With The Kardashians if she was feeling particularly self-indulgent) until she started to get hungry. At this point she would sneak down to the kitchen when Lauren either wasn’t paying attention or wasn’t home and she would make herself a huge bowl of pasta and cheese and bacon and eat the entire thing before stocking up on snacks and returning to her marathon.Sometimes if her mum was home for the day she would pack up her laptop and tell her mum she was going to meet with friends, but she would actually walk until she found a back-ally coffee shop with wifi and she would sit herself in a dark corner and watch her shows there, returning later to questions of “how was it?” to which she would reply, “it was okay,” before disappearing upstairs to wash off the remaining grossness that came from her trip. 

 

 

Amy wasn’t stupid, however, and she knew Lauren wasn’t buying her “Im completely fine” act (although, Amy could admit she was doing a very good job at it). Lauren would eye her across the dinner table, sending a look that said both _I know you’re lying_ and _We will talk about this eventually_. Amy just hoped that the second would come later rather than sooner, because she knew that as soon as the two of them had that talk, it would inevitably get back to Shane who would inevitably end up in her room as a sort of intervention and Amy would be dragged out for the night - something she had gotten rather good at avoiding. 

 

So every time Lauren and Amy passed each other in the hallway or met in the bathroom or kitchen, Amy would hold her breath until Lauren had left. She knew it would happen, and she knew that Lauren was planning exactly what she was going to say and exactly how it was going to happen so that Amy had zero ways to get out of it. She hated that Lauren was so prepared. Partly because it meant she had no escape routes. Mostly because it reminded her of Karma and her binders. 

 

It meant, though, that she wasn’t overly surprised when Lauren cornered her in the shower. She was caught of guard, sure, but when Lauren sat herself down on the toilet seat and cleared her throat, Amy knew that she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Not that she had any plans, but she would rather have not done this whole thing naked. Lauren didn't seem to care, though, and rolled her eyes excessively hard when Amy asked if she could at least put clothes on. 

 

“I know you aren’t alright, and I just want to say I’m sorry for how shit has been treating you,” Lauren began as Amy was putting underwear on. The statement was so very unlike _Lauren_ that Amy almost tripped as she was stepping into her underwear. She pulled them up and swung around to stare at her sort-of-sister, wide-eyed and unsure of how this was going to play out. In the past few weeks she had thought of every possible way this talk could go and she had not considered that Lauren would….sympathetic? “It’s shit, and cruel and it makes me angry.”

 

“I don’t know why you would care that much,” Amy raised an eyebrow, turning to pick up her bra and shirt off of the bed. She watched from the corner of her eye as Lauren sighed and sat down on the bed. Amy joined her, swallowing. “You’ve never seemed to care that much before.”

 

“I know. And I know I don’t know you as well as I should know you. We are sisters after all. But….” She sighed again, and began fiddling with a hangnail; twisting and pulling at it while she thought whatever it was she was thinking. “I don't know you, but even I know that you don’t deserve this shit that has been thrown at you. You're a good person. Too good. And what Karma is doing is horrible and it makes me angry because bad things shouldn’t happen to good people but they do and it sucks.”

 

She stopped suddenly before turning to face Amy who was just looking at her silently. Lauren shook her head and rolled her eyes again. Amy wasn’t sure if this time it was due to Amy’s silence or the fact that she had just gone on a rant about how good Amy was. Probably a mix of the two, but it made Amy feel a little better knowing that Lauren did care for her. Even slightly. 

 

“The worst part is knowing that, no matter how many terrible things Karma does to you, you will never do anything horrible back to her.” She stood as she said that, patting her dress to remove the invisible crinkles from it before turning to look at Amy once again. She was crying slightly, and Amy wanted to reach out and hug her because in that moment Amy saw exactly how precious her new sister was, and she felt the sudden urge to protect her at all costs. “You’re too good for this shit, Amy, and it’s about time you recognised that. 

 

She didn’t stay to hear Amy’s reply. It was probably a good thing because Amy didn’t know what she would have said. The words didn’t go without impact though, and as Amy lay in bed on top of the covers long after everyone else in the house had gone to sleep, the words played over and over in her head.

_“You’re too good for this shit”_

 

“Yeah”, she whispered to the darkness Maybe she was too good for this. Maybe she should just go out and find herself someone to hook up with, to help her move past Karma and Liam and this whole shitty situation she found herself in. It would be easy. She knew Shane would be more than happy to oblige.

 

Maybe she should. 

 

But she knew she wouldn’t. 


	2. In which Karma thinks too much

**AFTER**

 

Karma sat alone at the bus stop, silently hoping the bus would break down or just not arrive at all. That would be perfect, she thought as she sat on the bench, staring vacantly in the general direction the bus would come from. She didn’t want to go to school, she didn’t want to deal with it all. Her phone had been off for the better part of the last week because the thought of reading perfect texts from Liam made her nauseous. The fact that she had been so cruel to him and yet he still sent her a goodnight text every night and a _hope you’re feeling better_ text every morning made her feel guilty. He deserved better than her, and yet he stayed around. 

 

Karma didn’t know why. 

 

The past week had been horrible. Her parents watched her every minute with expressions that made Karma sad and upset all over again. They didn’t talk about it, something Karma was thankful for. Her parents were strict believers that when Karma was ready to talk, she would come to them and start the conversation. She didn't know if she would, but it was nice to know that her parents wouldn't force her to do anything she didn’t want to. 

 

Maybe going to school wouldn't be so horrible. Liam would be there, and Shane. She didn’t know exactly where she and Shane stood, though. They hadn't exactly been friends, especially once her and Liam had officially gotten together. But he wasn’t a horrible person, and surely he wouldn’t hold the whole thing against her, right?

 

Did she really want to see Liam though? She knew her boyfriend was worried about her, and it was nice knowing he cared so much. But did she really want to answer his questions? Have him walking around with his arm protectively wrapped around her waist, glaring at anyone who even looked like they were coming over to talk?

 

If she was honest, she would say no. 

 

Maybe it would be better to skip. Her parents would understand, and maybe it would be better to escape the inevitable glares she would receive from her classmates once they heard what had happened. She was a strong person, but with every person in the school out to get her, she wasn’t so sure she could cope. 

 

As the bus rounded the corner, Karma made a split second decision. She stood up from the bench and walked quickly in the opposite direction, not looking back when the bus driver called after her. It was only when she rounded the corner that she realised she had left her phone sitting on the bench, but she didn’t go back. 

 

The cafe she ended up at was one she had frequented back in the days before she was a fake lesbian and when she still had a best friend to accompany her. She sat in the same booth she always did, at the back of the shop, ordering a late and smiling weakly when the waitress touched her elbow and whispered that she was sorry. She was sick of the pitying looks and whispered apologies. She was sick of not having Amy to talk about how much she was sick of the pitying looks and whispered apologies. She was sick of feeling alone. 

 

When her order came, she drank too much too quickly and the top of her mouth stung from the heat. She didn’t care though, because it gave her an excuse to let the tears fall. After a few minutes she rose and left without paying, hiding her face as much as she could, not feeling as guilty as she should have. 

 

Somehow she ended up in a park. It wasn’t totally unfamiliar. Amy had broken her arm here once in elementary school and Farrah had carried her into the emergency room. When the nurse had asked Amy if she was scared, the young girl had simply shaken her head and asked what would happen if she pulled the bone out completely. At the time, Karma had put the obscure question down to Amy having had too many painkillers. As she thought about it now, she realised that Amy hadn’t had any pain killers yet. 

 

She missed her friend. 

 

How long she spent at the park she wasn’t sure, but once the heat of the sun began making her sweaty and parched, she stood up and walked in a random direction, not caring that she looked like complete shit and not paying attention to the people walking towards her until she bumped into a man in a suit carrying too much luggage for one person. 

 

“Excuse me lady! Can you watch where you’re going?” He questioned her rudely, shaking his head as he took in her appearance. Karma thought that she should have felt self-conscious, that she should have cared more about the disgusted look the man was giving her, but she didn’t. She didn’t care at all, and instead she just stared blankly at the man as he puffed out a sigh and bent down the pick up some of his fallen luggage. “Some of us have busses to catch you know!”

 

“Sorry,” Karma mumbled, realising she should probably do more than simply stand in the middle of the footpath. She bent down to help retrieve the fallen luggage, and the man just shook his head again and re organised himself. As he began to walk away without so much as a thank you, Karma called after him, not realising what she was saying until after the words had escaped her mouth. “Sorry, sir, but where’s the bus terminal?”

 

“Two block this way and three blocks to your left.” He replied, slowing down but not fully stopping and not turning to face her. Karma took a few steps towards the man, straining to hear him as he kept walking briskly. “If you’re looking for buses around town though, lady, you wont find them there. This one is for out of state trips only!”

 

When Karma arrived at the bus terminal, she didn’t think too much. She was hot and tired and sweating too much for her liking but nobody around here seemed to pay too much attention to her. She stood in line at the ticket office, trying to stop herself feeling too guilty for what she was doing. Trying not to think about her parents’ faces when they realised that she had skipped town and dispelling thoughts of Liam and the many messages he had probably left on her lost phone. 

 

She tried not to cry, as the line shortened and she come closer to the front. She didn’t notice, though, when the last person between her and the lady in the booth turned and walked away. She didn’t notice the first few times the lady tried to get her attention, until the person behind her pushed her slightly and she had to catch herself on the cold steel bench infront of the plastic wall separating the frustrated lady and herself. 

 

“Where to?”

 

Karma hesitated, taking a moment to gain her composure before she said with more authority than she possessed, “One ticket for whichever bus comes the soonest and goes the furthest” 

 

“There’s a bus to Chicago leaving in twenty minutes.” The woman behind the booth blinked once, not waiting for a reply as she began to print off the ticket. Karma swallowed, trying not to lose the last ounce of surety she had maintained until this moment. “It’ll get you there by 3 tomorrow”

 

Karma just nodded, and paid the fare before sitting down on a dusty bench similar to the one she had been sitting on just a mere few hours before. She was certain that this chair would fall apart if she weighed any more, though, and she found herself becoming more and more self-conscious as the bus station filled with more people. People a great deal older and a great deal more self-assured than she was. 

 

As the bus pulled up and she got onto it, she felt a tiny pang of guilt stab through her chest, but she ignored it. To the best of her ability at least. As doubt began to fill her mind and the Texas countryside passed outside her window, she finally let the tears she had been holding back escape. 

 

Maybe this was a stupid idea, she thought, and maybe it wasn’t. There were so many uncertainties and so many unanswered questions, but she tried not to think about them, and instead focus on the fact that she was on a bus to Chicago filled with strangers with only a handful of spare change and her school bag. 

 

She didn’t know what she was going to do when she got to Chicago. She didn’t know much at all in this particular moment. But if there was one thing she was certain of, it was that anywhere was better than here. 


	3. In which Amy trials the hermit life

**BEFORE**

She knows she shouldn’t be spending so much time in her room, but in all honesty she can’t help it. Every time she thinks about going out now, her chest clenches and she can’t breathe properly and she ends up wrapping herself up in her blankets and rolling around on the floor like a human taco until she can breathe easily again. Sometimes she stays there, laying on her bedroom floor, not thinking about anything in particular. She just lays there, relishing in the calmness of her own company until Lauren inevitably comes in to make sure she is okay, having overheard the hyperventilating moments before but not wanting to make it worse by coming in. 

 

In all honesty, Amy is glad that she has Lauren. Lauren who brings her hot chocolate from the kitchen every time she goes down, even if she isn’t having any herself. Lauren who defends Amy to their parents when they complain about Amy “withdrawing” from everyone. Lauren who makes sure Amy stays fed and showered and reminds her that there are people who care about her. Lauren who turns away the visitors who set up camp outside their house with their #Karmy shirts and homemade chants.

 

Lauren who she has come to love as her sister. 

 

When she first met Lauren, she wouldn’t in a hundred million years have thought that the two of them would be civil, let alone as close as they are now. They were too different. Polar opposites. Or so Amy had thought. Now she could see that Lauren was struggling with everything just as much as Amy was. Different struggles, certainly. But struggling nonetheless. With Lauren, she felt a little less insane. With Lauren, she felt a little less alone. 

 

Sometimes when Amy was in her taco fortress on the floor, Lauren would come in and sit beside her. They wouldn’t say anything. Lauren didn’t touch her. She simply sat, sometimes for hours as Amy calmed down. Then Lauren would disappear into her room, returning with a block of chocolate, and her computer and the two of them would watch a movie or two. What the movie was didn’t matter, but Amy realised that it was Lauren’s way of saying that she was there and that she cared without having to have a repeat of the emotional roller coaster that was their _talk_. 

 

For that she was thankful.

 

Sometimes at night, Amy would dream. 

 

She would dream about Karma, and herself. Sometimes together, sometimes not. Usually not, at least not by the end. She would always wake up shaking and crying and gasping for breath, head clouded with thoughts and heart filled with feelings. She would stumble out of bed and fumble her way to the bathroom, tripping once or twice over her own feet until she fell face-first into the sink where she would wash her face before collapsing in a heap on the floor. 

 

Eventually she would stand up, holding herself steady on whatever stable surface was nearby, and she would pull herself into Lauren’s room. Then she would get into bed. 

 

The first time she did it she didn’t even realise, until Lauren murmured in the dark asking if she was alright. Amy couldn’t speak, the words wouldn’t form and all she managed was a choke and then a sob, and suddenly Lauren was pulling Amy closer, whispering that things would get better. Promising that she would be alright. Amy tried so hard to believe her, but as they days and nights went on she found it less and less believable. Less and less likely. 

 

Now, when Amy climbed into bed beside Lauren, she didn’t open her eyes. When she felt Amy’s weight in the bed next to her, she would simply move over and hold the blanket up, allowing Amy to crawl in and shut her eyes. Sometimes Amy would cry, sometimes she wouldn’t. But Lauren was always there; a comforting presence when Amy felt alone and insecure. 

 

Amy wasn’t sure if Lauren had told anyone about how she was going. At first she was certain that her sister would call Shane at the very least, but as the days went by and Shane’s messages never seemed inquiring or suspicious, Amy realised that for once, Lauren had kept her mouth shut. Of course, Amy had never confirmed this, not believing it appropriate to question Lauren when the latter had been so incredibly nice to her, but she was glad that her ongoing emotional breakdown was kept private. 

 

She should have known, however, that her lingering silence would cause Shane to become curious anyway - even without Lauren’s help. So when she woke up to Lauren’s shouts that he needed to _get the fuck out of_ here and Shane stampeding through her bedroom door at 10am on a Thursday, she simply rolled her eyes at herself for believing that Shane would keep his nose out of her business this once.  

 

“You’re a mess,” Shane commented, sitting on the edge of her bed and glancing around Amy’s unkempt room with a hint of disgust on his face. Amy just rolled her eyes again and pulled her pillow over her face, groaning when she felt Shane move closer to her and glaring at him when he pulled the pillow off and looked at her directly. “A hot mess, I’ll admit but a mess nonetheless.”

 

“What are you doing here, Shane?” Amy sat up, running a hand through her hair and sighing as she came to the saddening realisation that she wasn’t going to get anymore sleep this morning. Shane raised an eyebrow at her, before moving to her closet and rummaging through her clothes. He threw a few items at her, not looking at her as he spoke again. “This is an official intervention. You’ve been a hermit long enough and it’s time for you to get back out there.”

 

“Get back out there? I was fine not being “out there” before this mess with Karma and I am fine being “in here” without her. I’m fine.” Shane stopped his rummaging and turned to look at her, an expression on his face that could only be read as an _I call bullshit_ look. Amy sighed in resignation, knowing that this conversation was not going to go anywhere and instead she stood up and began to get dressed. Shane stopped her, tutting her until she looked at him. 

 

“What?” She asked, trying in vain to keep the frustration and annoyance out of her voice. She loved Shane, she really did and god knows she would have had this breakdown a lot sooner if he hadn’t been around to keep her sane. It was times like this, however, that she hated him for his incessant need to get her outdoor and socialising with other people who didn’t care about her and of whom she didn’t care about either. “Shower. I love you, but at the moment you smell like my grandma after she died and it’s a smell that doesn’t suit you, despite your attractive feminine qualities.”

 

Amy shook her head, but went and showered anyway, deciding that it would probably be easier to just go along with whatever crazy intervention-type activities Shane had planned, and that she could come back later and watch the rest of her Kardashian marathon alone in bed without interruption from loud, gay boys. 

 

“Yeah right” she scoffed to herself as she stood under the running water, “like Shane will leave me alone now.”


	4. In which Karma tries not to lose her nerve

**AFTER**

Stepping off the bus and onto the Chicago soil, Karma felt a sudden rush of freedom sweep over her. She had actually done it. Over twenty-four hours of switching between stress and excitement (and sometimes a mixture of the two), she had made it to Chicago and didn’t necessarily feel the need to throw herself at the driver and beg him to take her back to Texas. 

 

The feeling was short lived, however, and as the bus pulled away from the terminal, Karma realised that she didn’t have a place to stay and had very little money to her name, and for the first time it occurred to her how little she had actually thought about this. This situation that she had created for herself. 

 

So she began to walk. 

 

Knowing very little about Chicago in general, she had approximately zero idea of where she was headed, but it was the direction that everyone else was going so she figured that it couldn’t be all that bad. Right? There had to be something in that direction; some form of civilisation, even if it was small. 

 

The thought pushed her on, and she concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, rhythmically repeating “left, right, left, right” under her breath as she walked towards what she hoped to be a street that she could centre herself around. Somewhere where she could sit and think and not worry about getting kidnapped. Somewhere where she could get her shit together and figure out the next part of this oh so glorious escapade she had pulled. 

 

After what seemed like years but in actuality was about five minutes, Karma found herself at a busy intersection. Pausing, she took in her surroundings and once again felt that rush of freedom she had felt when she had first stepped off of the bus. She took a deep breath and, after securing her bag over her shoulder, she began walking down the street figuring that getting a general sense of her surroundings would let her better gain an idea of what it was she was going to do. 

 

The fast moving atmosphere intrigued her. It was around 1 O’Clock and the street was alive with men in suits and ladies in short black dresses and interns with a tray of coffee in one hand and a cell phone in the other rushing in all direction. Karma found that walking briskly was the best way to avoid being trampled, and she stayed close to the shop side of the footpath, realising that it was the best position to view the stores and cafe’s. She made a map in her head, so that should she decide that she didn’t in fact want to stay in this city, she could navigate her way back to the bus terminal without having to engage in conversation with anybody. 

 

Eventually though, she got tired, and she decided that at the next cafe that didn’t look like it sold a coffee for half a fortune she would stop and rest and think. She would plan and make decisions like the functional adult she assured herself that she was. _But I’m not._ The thought arrived in her head before she could stop it, and the doubt once again began to flow. _I’m just a kid_. 

 

_NO, I can do this. I got myself here, I can figure this out. I just need some coffee and a place to think._

 

Her mental turmoil and inner dialogue continued until she spotted a small cafe. It’s faded red sign told her that they wouldn’t charge her her left arm and first child for a coffee, and it wasn’t overly crowded so she could sit and think in peace. Smiling to herself, she took a breathe and gripped the strap of her bag tighter before ducking her head and bee-lining for the entrance. 

 

She was greeted almost instantly by a smiling face, who led her to a secluded booth at the back of the cafe. It reminded her of the booth she had sat in the morning before, realising with a shock that she had been gone for more than a day and her parents were no doubt panicking. She shoved the thought out of her head, smiling at the waitress and ordering a regular mocha.

 

Once the waitress had left, Karma pulled an exercise book and a pen out of her bag, pausing before emptying the entire contents of her bag on the table in front of her. Then she made a list. A list of everything she had with her, including whatever was in her pockets and, once she was done, realised exactly how little she possessed at the current moment. 

 

“You look a bit lost, darl,” a voice broke her internal panic. Looking up, Karma took in the face of her waitress, a smiling woman who held Karma’s mocha in her left hand. Karma looked at her quizzically, and the waitress nodded at the piles Karma had made of her belongings and the list that was barely half a page long. Karma smiled sheepishly before replying, “yeah. I guess you could say that.”

 

“Run away have we?” The waitress placed the mocha on the table and Karma took a sip, humming to herself as she felt the caffeine surge through her body. The waitress smiled again, taking a seat across from Karma and pulling the list towards her. She appeared to skim the list, face blank before she looked back at Karma. “Didn’t bring much.”

 

“It wasn’t exactly….planned” Karma placed the mug back on the table, avoiding eye contact with the woman across from her. There was an awkward silence before a bearded man appeared beside them, causing Karma to jump slightly at the unexpected presence. “Josephine! This is the third time in two days I’ve caught you slacking off! Stop annoying the customers! How hard is that to understand?”

 

“Bruce, I wasn’t-“ The woman - Josephine - tried to explain, half standing as the man, who Karma assumed to be her boss, glared at her. He held up a hand, stopping her from saying anything further, and took a breath. “I like you, Jo, but I can’t have you wasting my time. I’ve given you more than enough chances.”

 

Josephine’s face paled as she realised what the man was saying. Karma stayed silent, as the woman tried to reason with her boss, then beg. Promising she wouldn’t sit with customers anymore. That she would do twice the work for half the pay. The man wouldn’t have any of it, though, and Karma felt bad for the woman, despite having known her for half a minute. Finally, the argument stopped, and Josephine stormed out of the cafe, leaving the man rubbing his temples alone a few metres from where Karma sat. 

 

Without thinking, she stood and walked up to him, swallowing as she stopped. He looked up, and Karma noticed how tired the man looked. As a frown formed on his face, Karma realised that she actually needed to speak unless she wanted to become known as the weirdo of the cafe. 

 

“Uh, sorry to disturb you, but I couldn't help but notice that you’re now one staff member short and I was wondering if I could possibly fill that position?” Karma barely took a breath and as she finished she looked down at her feet, feeling a blush rise to her cheeks. She swallowed again, and chanced a glance up at the man who she was surprised to find was smiling at her. 

 

“When can you start?” Karma’s eyes widened and she stumbled over her words, stammering out eventually that she could start whenever he wanted. The man laughed quietly, and Karma relaxed, allowing herself to smile faintly. 

 

The man led her back over to her table, ignoring the lists and piles and instead asking for her ID. Karma handed it to him, picking up her mug and taking another mouthful as she watched the man write down her details. He nodded to her, and explained that he was going to register her in the system and print off the paperwork for her. She nodded in response, and began packing her belongings back into her bag. 

 

He returned a few moments later, and Karma signed on the dotted line. They spoke for a few minutes, Karma actually managing to talk like a regular human being. He asked her how much she wanted to work, and she explained that she needed enough to cover her while she stayed in the city. They agreed on a schedule, and he said that she would start the next day to which Karma agreed, and then he took her out the back of the shop to introduce her to the manager who would be working with her on her first shift. 

 

The manager was a college student named Phillip, and when she first saw him he had a chicken pulled over one hand like a glove and was glazing it in something with the other. She resisted the urger to laugh as he spun around to look at the two of them as they entered, a look of shock and embarrassment on his face. 

 

“Phillip, remove the chicken from your arm and say hello to Karma.” Phillip blushed and did as he was told, placing the chicken on the counter and nodding a hello at Karma. As Phillip and Bruce talked, Karma took in her surroundings, zoning out until Bruce clapped a hand on her shoulder and saying goodbye before walking out of the kitchen and leaving her alone with Phillip and his chicken. 

 

“I promise I’m not as strange as you probably think” he laughed, wiping his hands on a towel and gesturing to a stool off to the side. Karma smiled gratefully, realising how tired she actually was as she sat down. Phillip leant on the bench beside her, eyeing her as she held onto her back protectively. “You new in town?”

 

“Yeah,” Karma breathed out, glancing at Phillip quickly before averting her gaze elsewhere. She didn’t know why, but he made her nervous. Maybe because he was so calm and she wasn’t. Maybe because looking at him reminded her of Liam who was alone in Texas. Maybe because she was tired and nervous anyway. She wasn’t sure. “Arrived today.”

 

“Got a place to stay?” Karma’s eyes widened, thinking that surely this guy who she had met a whole five minutes ago wasn’t offering to let her stay at his place. Surely he didn’t think she was that stupid? She head read the news stories, and new this game, so she jumped off the stool and made her way for the door. 

 

Realising his mistake, Phillip jogged after her, his longer legs allowing him to easily step in front of the retreating Karma, and he placed a hand on her shoulder holding her at arms length. 

 

“Relax,” he said, smiling easily at her. “I’m not asking you to stay at mine. I was offering to help you find a hotel or something, at least until you have enough saved to rent an apartment or go back to…wherever it is you’ve come from or go to wherever it is you want to go next. I’m not a pervert, I promise.”

 

Karma eyed him suspiciously, before nodding and allowing Phillip to guide her back to the stool. He smiled at her, before pulling a directory out from under the counter and flipping it open. Together, they began searching for a hotel and after an hour or so Karma began to feel like maybe, just maybe, this could work out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr: montivagancy.tumblr.com/


	5. In which Amy makes a mistake (or not)

**BEFORE**

The music was loud and distracting, and seemed to pump through Amy’s bloodstream, causing her to find herself dancing with people she didn’t know. She was smiling and nodding and dancing some more and then excusing herself and making her way to the next person. There wasn’t a lack of people to dance with, that was a definite. Shane truly did know the best spots to simply get away, and he and Lauren sat at the bar, handing Amy drink after drink as she lost herself in the atmosphere. 

 

Amy was enjoying herself, letting herself forget for a moment about the shit storm that had become her life, and instead allowing attractive women to grind on her in-between the consumption of whatever alcoholic beverage Shane and Lauren had bought for her. If she let herself think properly for a moment, she would question why Lauren was here, considering the gayness of this club, but she didn’t. She didn’t think about Lauren or Shane or Liam or Karma. She didn’t think about school or her parents or anything really, expect the attractive lady dancing in front of her with the too-small bra and obvious boob job. She thought about it a great deal more than she probably should have, but under the circumstances she reasoned that it was probably just the right amount. 

 

Shane had said as the three of them piled into Lauren’s car that this was an experience that was designed to cheer Amy up. He said that she needed a break from her moping and that he was going to make sure Amy left with someone should it be the last thing he did. Amy, of course, protested valiantly, fighting Shane all the way to the club until she got distracted by the sheer amount of skin visible at which point she stopped protesting. 

 

“Get your chin off of the floor,” Lauren spat at her, parking the car and unbuckling her seat belt. Amy had blinked a few times before opening the door and stepping out, smiling at the attractive women around her before turning back to Shane with wide-eyes and a slight shiver rolling down her spine. Shane just nodded, giving her two thumbs up and telling her that he and Lauren would be at the bar.

 

So Amy had gone in, nervous at first but growing in confidence as she danced awkwardly with a few women and then less awkwardly with a few more before finding her “rhythm” or whatever and losing a few layers of clothing in the process. She ignored the sweaty scent that permeated around her. She ignored the stuffiness of the room, which in any other circumstance would cause her to feel claustrophobic and run to the nearest exist. She ignored it all because she was having fun _without Karma_. 

 

It was her right, after all, to not dwell on Karma forever. Her friend had chosen her path and now Amy was choosing hers. A Karma-less path filled with women and booze and friends that didn’t force her into crisis-inducing situations and then leave her at her most vulnerable. Friends that picked up the pieces and helped her to walk again. It was her right to move on and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

 

So when a particularly attractive brunette approaches her and the two of them dance, Amy lets herself run her hands over the brunette’s hips and up and down her back. She lets herself get pulled in and she doesn’t fight when the brunette places her lips on Amy’s. She doesn’t think about Lauren and Shane at the bar, watching with wide-eyes as Amy get’s felt-up on the dance floor, and she doesn’t think about them as she lets herself get led towards the bathroom.

 

If Amy had thought that the dance floor was stuffy, the toilets were suffocating. 

 

The brunette had her pushed against the sink, kissing her firmly and pressing hard into Amy’s hips. The groan that escaped her was involuntary, but caused the brunette to pull back and smirk at her. Amy blushed, and leant forward to capture the brunette’s lips again, wrapping her legs around the brunette’s waist and pushing herself against their body. 

 

Strong arms wrapped around Amy, and suddenly she was being picked up and spun around. Her back hit the stall door and Amy gasped, throwing her head back and rolling her body against the woman’s. Lips attached themselves to Amy’s neck and she gasped again, tightening her grip on the brunette’s neck with her hands. She pulled the woman closer, and together they stumbled into the stall, not bothering to lock it as Amy was pushed fully against the stall wall and released.  

 

She barely had time to plant her feet on the ground before the brunette was pulling her in for another kiss, fingers playing at the zip of Amy’s dress, pulling it down. She pulled away as the dress fell to the floor, leaving Amy in her underwear. A smirk formed on the brunette’s face as she took in the sight before her. 

 

“This isn’t fair,” Amy whispered, leaning in to kiss down the brunette’s jawline. The woman gasped and tilted her head, allowing Amy to better access. She pulled Amy closer, allowing her to unzip her own dress and suddenly both of them were in their underwear, pressed against each other in the bathroom stall. “Much better.”

 

The brunette let out a soft laugh before pulling Amy back in. Hands ran over skin, leaving burning trails and the room was filled with groans and moans and whispered words that you wouldn’t be able to make out unless you were the one to whom they were spoken. Sweat merged with sweat and as Amy arched her back agains the stall door and let out a small yell, she didn’t think about Karma at all, but instead the brunette woman kneeling between her legs, looking up at her with focused and determined eyes. 

 

As the brunette rose to her feet, Amy grabbed her and spun her around, slamming her agains the wall and pushing their bodies together. She trailed her hand down the brunette’s body, smiling confidently at the sounds emitting from the brunette’s mouth. She worked her fingers, not having the smallest clue about what she was doing and yet knowing everything she needed to in order to cause the brunette to quiver at the knees. When she felt the woman losing control, she bit down on the woman’s collarbone. With a yell and a moan and a whispered, _“oh fuck”_ it was over, and Amy smiled and dressed herself, leaving the woman puffing agains the stall door. 

 

She didn’t talk to Shane or Lauren as she walked out and leant on the hood of the car, waiting instead for them to run after her. She didn’t speak as they both interrogated her, asking who she was and what had happened; she didn’t so much as smile as Lauren huffed and drove them back to Shane’s house where they were to stay that night. Instead, she stared out the window, and as it started to rain she pictured the drops racing down the window were the tears she felt brewing inside her. 

 

Logically, she knew she shouldn’t feel guilty. She had every right to do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted to do it with. But try as she might, she couldn’t rid herself of the feeling that _somehow_ she had just caused herself more heartbreak than she had already endured. That _somehow_ she had done something wrong, despite knowing that she had done nothing of the sort. 

 

So when Lauren pulled into Shane’s driveway, she simply got out of the car and walked silently through the front door and into Shane’s room, not bothering to get changed and not bothering to ask where it was she was going to sleep. 

 

When Shane and Lauren entered the bedroom, they found Amy asleep on the bed, phone lighting up with a message from an unknown number and neck displaying a pattern of blue and red that told them everything they needed to know. 


	6. In which karma hits Karma

**AFTER**

After a few days Karma finally sits herself down and forces herself to dial the number that she knew she should have called already but hadn’t had the courage to. The past couple of days had always ended in her sitting on the edge of the hotel’s bed, staring at the phone on the bedside table trying to will herself into dialling the number, but always ending up sighing and walking away, pushing the guilt that inevitably built up inside her as far down as she could. 

 

She felt guilty, knowing that her mother would be worried about her. She just couldn’t bring herself to call knowing that her mother would probably convince her to pack up and go back to home. Back to Texas. To the memories and the familiar faces staring at her, whispering as she walked past them down the street. She couldn’t go back, and she knew that. Her mother didn’t; at least Karma thought that she didn’t. 

 

Eventually she pulled her finger out and forced herself to call home. When the line picked up and her mother’s voice floated down the line, Karma let out a breath she didn’t realise she had been holding and whispered, “mum”. 

 

There was a pause and some shuffling on the other end of the line, and Karma bit her lip in anticipation, waiting for her mother to say something. Anything. Honestly, Karma would rather yelling than silence at this point. Anything was better than silence. 

 

After a while, her mother spoke. “Karma, honey? Sorry the phone lines have been playing up lately. Where are you? Are you safe?”

 

“Yeah mum, I’m fine.” Karma let out a sigh and fell back on the bed forgetting that the phone she was using was not wireless and causing the rest of it to crash onto the floor. She sat back up, swearing under her breath and leant down to pick it up. “I’m in Chicago. I got a job waitressing at this little cafe and I’m staying in a hotel. Honestly, I’m fine”

 

“But why did you leave?” Karma could hear her mother trying to stifle the tears, and once again a pang of guilt stabbed through her chest. She didn’t want to cause her parent’s any grief, but this was something that she honestly needed to do. How to explain that though? She shook her head slightly to herself, and fell backwards on the bed again. “Honey, we’re worried about you!”

 

“I had to go, mum. I couldn’t take it anymore! The staring and the questions and the whispers behind my back. I know you and dad were there for me, but all my friends…” Karma stopped and closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears from escaping. She took a shaky breath and let it out slowly, calming herself before continuing. “My friends don’t care anymore and honestly the only person who even talked to me since….then…is Liam and I don't even know if I want him anymore!”

 

Her mother was silent, and Karma held her breath, cursing herself for saying too much. This was why she didn’t want to call. She didn’t want to spill her guts to anyone. Not yet, anyway. It was the whole purpose of leaving. To get away and not talk to anyone who knew her. Who knew what had happened and knew her story. It was why she left and why she intended on staying away. 

 

“Honey, I understand. Believe me I do. But I think it would be better if you just come home. You’re so young and Chicago is such a big city…”

 

“I can’t do that, mum! Please…” Karma felt herself growing desperate, panic rising in her chest as she choked on her words. She couldn’t go back. Not yet. She had so much to sort through, so much mental clutter. She couldn’t go back. A thought struck her. “Let me talk to Dad, please. Just for a second”

 

There was a murmur of agreement, and shuffling and whispers on the other end of the line and then Karma’s father’s voice. It was calmer than her mother’s, but it sounded tired and Karma realised that while her mother had been freaking out, her father had probably been kept awake calming her down all day and night. Once again, she felt guilty. 

“Hi Dad.”

 

“Karma, what are you doing?” He didn’t sound upset, or even angry. He sounded confused and tired. With a deep breath, Karma began to explain. 

 

Her father didn’t interrupt, but murmured words of understanding and made sounds of comprehension as she explained. When she finished there was silence, and then slowly he told her she could stay for a few weeks at most. As she erupted in exclaimed _thank you’s_ , she could hear her mother’s protests in the background, but her father didn’t change his mind. 

 

“You have to call us everyday and tell us how you are and what you’re doing. I want you to email me details of where you’re staying and this place you are working at. I want to speak with the owner of this establishment, too. Who hires a person without so much as a formal interview?” 

 

Karma let out a laugh, assuring her father that she would send him all the required information the next morning. They talked for a little while after that, mostly filled with Karma’s father telling her everything that had happened in the last few days while she had been away. “Liam came over that first day when you hadn’t been at school. A little while later your phone was returned by the police. Everyone assumed you had been abducted.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Dad, I really didn’t mean to cause so much stress.” And she hadn’t. She hadn’t been thinking of much when she got on that bus, let alone anyone else bar herself. She hadn’t thought through the consequences of her actions, and now she realised, they were catching up with her. How could she have been so selfish? How could she have done this to her parents, who had done nothing but support her? “I’m so, so sorry”

 

Her father hummed into the line. 

 

“Just, stay safe okay? We will handle everything at this end. You just…get better and come home soon.”

 

“I will, I promise.” She sighed and sat up on the bed, tangling the phone cord between her fingers. “I love you. And mum. I love you both so much.”

 

“We love you too,” she could hear her father’s smile in his words, and her mother calling out her love in the background. It made her smile, and she choked back a sob as she said her goodnights and hung up.

 

Falling back on the bed, she closed her eyes and let her body tremble with the sobs she had been holding back since she had arrived in the city. 

 

Karma had never been much of a drinker. She had never really had the occasion to, considering that the first fifteen years of her life had been mostly spent in the company of her kale-loving parents and the anti-social Amy. Even after her popularity began to soar and she was invited to all the parties, she never really got drunk. She had tried, definitely, but the fast of alcohol was something that just didn’t really appeal to her. Until now, that is. 

 

She was in the hotel’s bar. How she ended up there, she isn’t so certain but she knew she wasn’t going anywhere else anytime soon. Her hand seemed to be glued to the tequila bottle she had somehow acquired. She had started with shots, but after she lost count she had asked for the bottle which the bartender gave her. 

 

It stung as it travelled down her throat, but she found that it took away the pain. It took away the pain and stopped her thinking about everything. Stopped her thinking about Amy. It wasn’t a permanent fix, she knew that much, but it was a temporary relief and for that exact reason, Karma finished off the bottle before standing and making her way to the door. 

How in God’s name she managed to get to her room without injuring herself she has no idea, but she crawled into bed still fully clothed and cried.

 

She cried because she missed Amy. 

 

She cried because she fucked up. 

 

She cried because this whole thing was her fault and there are zero things she can do in order to fix it. 

 

She cried because, for the first time in her life, she realised exactly how harsh the consequences of her actions could be. 


	7. In which Farrah takes a stand

**BEFORE**

 

There is a fine line between guilt and shame. The former being a bothered conscience, the latter a reaction to consciousness of guilt. We feel guilty when we feel responsible for an action that we regret.Shame is often a much stronger and more profound emotion than guilt. Shame is when we feel disappointed about something inside of us, our basic nature Logically, you could feel guilty without feeling shame, but not vice versa. So when Amy woke up a few days after her wild night with Shane and Lauren, guilt and shame hanging heavily on her heart, she simply rolled over and buried her head under her pillow, refusing to get out of bed at all. 

 

She felt horrible. She felt dirty. She never wanted to interact with another person again. 

That wasn’t an option, though. Lauren had other plans, and Amy wasn’t in the mental, physical, or emotional state to avoid them. Which is why when Lauren came bounding into her room sometime after noon and pulled the covers completely off of Amy, Amy simply sent Lauren a look which she hoped was as threatening as she intended it to be. 

 

“Come on, shithead, you need some human interaction,” Lauren pulled Amy out of bed by the wrist, forcing her to stand. Her feet weren’t too stable, though, and when her body was forced into an upright position her head began to spin. The combination resulte din Amy falling back onto the bed. Lauren just rolled her eyes and then wrinkled her nose. “A shower is needed as well. You smell worse than Shane after he’s been to visit his grandma”

 

“How would you know what Shane smells like?” Lauren shrugged, helping Amy stand again before walking her the bathroom. She then went and shuffled through Amy’s draws, pulling out some clothes and throwing them in the vague direction of the shared ensuite. “I know more about Shane than I care to admit. We’re….close or whatever.”

 

She shrugged and Amy let it go, picking up the clothes from the ground and turning to walk into the bathroom. 

 

The water was hot against her skin; hotter than she would normally have it. She scrubbed until her skin was raw and then for a while she just stood there, letting the water run over her body. She stared at the whirlpool disappearing down the drain, remembering how she had stood in the same position a few days ago, watching as she water carried away the dirt and sweat from the club. She didn’t have any marks on her skin to remind her of that night; that she had checked as soon as she sobered up. All she had was the memories and she intended to lock those away for an incredibly long time. 

 

The guilt, however, was harder to get rid of. The shame, even harder. She shouldn’t have done what she did, despite knowing that it didn’t mean anything. Her first time shouldn’t have been like that; in a dirty bathroom in the back of a club she didn’t even know the name of with someone she couldn’t remember the name of. Her first time should have been special. It should have been with someone she loved, and whom loved her back. 

 

_It should have been with Karma._

 

The thought had entered her consciousness before she could censor it, and suddenly she was over washed with feeling of guilt and shame. She felt dirty again, and it didn’t seem to matter how hard she scrubbed herself, how hot the water was - she didn’t feel clean. A part of her thought she would never feel clean again. 

 

When the water began to run cold, she stepped out of the shower. She dressed herself slowly, drawing out the process so as to limit the amount of time she would be required to be out in public. Lauren had her best interests at heart, she knew that, and she appreciated it greatly. But at this particular moment, all the really wanted to do was sleep. Sleep and forget. 

Lauren was sitting on her bed when she stepped back into her room, flicking through a magazine that her mum bought her in one of her attempts to bond. It was probably several years outdated, but Lauren didn’t seem to be paying attention to it. She was flicking, stopping occasionally to study a picture or an advertisement. Amy cleared her throat, announcing her presence and giving Lauren a look that said “I’m ready, but I’m not happy about this.”

 

“Finally.” Lauren huffed, tossing the magazine onto Amy’s bed and standing. She brushed her hands down her front, removing the wrinkled that weren’t there. It was a habit of hers, Amy had noted, to wiper her clothes down after she had been sitting. Why she did that, Amy didn’t know, but she guessed it had something to do with Lauren’s need to present herself perfectly. Her need to live up to some inane expectation she had forced on herself. It was silly, and unrequited in Amy’s presence, but she didn’t bring it up. Maybe one day she would, but right now Lauren was on a mission and Amy was the centre of it. Bringing up Lauren’s personal habit right now would be counter effective for either of their causes. “I thought you had run off.”

 

“The thought didn’t occur to me.” Amy shrugged. It had, but she wouldn’t say that. She had figured that getting this over and done with would be better than drawing it out. It would be less painful, too. The longer she drew it out, the more insane Lauren’s escapades would be, and Amy was barely in the mood to be standing, let alone some other wild adventure Lauren invented. “What are we doing?”

 

Lauren didn’t reply, but grabbed Amy’s hand and pulled her out of the room and towards the front door. As they passed the kitchen, Farrah called out to them, putting down her knife and wiping her hands on a towel. 

 

“Girls? Could I have a minute?” 

 

“I’m taking Amy out for coffee. She needs to get out of the house.” Lauren smiled sweetly at Farrah and Amy resisted the urge to throw up. While she respected that Lauren and her mother had a vastly different relationship than she did with her mother, it still spurred feelings in her stomach she didn’t want to address. “We’ll be back by dinner.”

 

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Take a seat, please” Amy rolled her eyes, but sat down anyway. Suddenly, she wished she were out with Lauren. It would be less painful an experience, because Lauren knew the full story. Her mother was only getting bits and pieces, and was probably filling in the blanks with wild visions of lesbian activity that was far from the truth. “I’ve been worried about you, Amy. You haven't been yourself.”

 

“I’m fine, really.” Amy forced herself to smile, hoping for the sake of her sanity that it came across genuine. “Lauren and Shane have been looking after me,”

 

“I can see that, and they’ve been doing a very good job - getting you out of the house. But I think you need a bit more than that.” Amy’s eyes widened, mind immediately going to the worst case scenario. She glanced at Lauren, wondering if the two of them had been planning against her, but her step-sister expression showed just as much shock as Amy felt. “I think you need to get out of Austin. At least for a little while. I’ve organised for you to go stay with Uncle Bill in Dallas until school goes back”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you need to get past this whole….Karma situation and I think the distance will do you good.”

 

Amy sat staring at her mother at a loss of words. Part of her wanted to run upstairs and pack her bags, demanding her mother drive her to Dallas immediately. Another part wanted to argue with her mother, tell her she was fine and didn’t need this sort of family intervention. If she were honest with herself, she knew her mother was right. She needed to separate herself from Karma. From all the memories built up over years of friendship. There wasn’t a street Amy could walk down that didn’t have a memory of Karma attached to it and it made this whole “moving on” thing hard to do. 

 

She didn’t want to leave Lauren or Shane though. The two were her only link to sanity at the moment, and she isn’t sure that leaving them would do her any good. They were her rocks, her pillars. They kept her going and leaving them behind probably wasn’t the best idea. Lauren, it seemed, had a similar opinion.

 

“I’ll go with her.” Amy and Farrah both looked towards Lauren, who had her resting bitch face on and both mother and daughter knew there was no changing her mind. “Amy is just starting to open up and move on. I agree that getting her out of Austin is a good idea, but taking her away from both Shane and I - who she is finally starting to open up to - wont do her any good. She needs both distance and people she trusts to confide it. I’ll go with her.”

 

“But honey, don’t you have things you want to do here?” Farrah inquired. Lauren shrugged, and looked at Amy, a sad smile on her face. “Yeah. But my sister needs me. At the moment, that’s more important.”

 

Amy, despite all her efforts, burst into tears. 


	8. In which Liam isn't a douche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly NSFW

**AFTER**

Exhaustion consumes her, and most days she had eaten by six, is in bed by seven and asleep by eight (with the exception of those few days where she takes on a late night shift, in which case she finds herself making more cups of coffee for herself than the customers). She never considered herself much of a morning person, but her body seemed to re-adjust itself and now she finds herself waking earlier, even on days she doesn’t need to. Sometimes she sleeps until eight in the morning, but most days she needs to be back at the cafe by seven-thirty and has mastered the art of getting ready in ten minutes flat. It’s funny, she thinks one morning, that where she once put so much effort into making her hair perfectly-curled and redoing her make up three times each morning just so that it was _perfect_ , she now simply ties her hair back and _maybe_ dabs on some foundation if she feels particularly inclined to. 

 

So much has changed. 

 

So much _hasn’t._

 

It’s the exhaustion that runs her now. She drags herself out of bed each morning, eats at the cafe and starts her shift. She earns just enough money to pay for her hotel room and have a little left over which she dutifully divides between her saving account and her everyday account. She’s lucky, though, that the manager doesn’t mind her eating and drinking at the cafe so she saves a great deal on food. Still though, it’s times when she is completely run off her feet, exhausted and barely managing to drag herself back to her hotel room that she realises exactly how lucky she was back in Austin. How well she she had it. 

 

She also realised that she doesn’t really miss it at all. 

 

Sure, she misses her family. Sometimes she would stay on the phone for several hours, just talking to her parents about useless things. Like how nana had sat on the TV remote and called her mum in panic saying that the TV was broken _again_. Or how her dad had created _another_ kale smoothie which led to tear-filled promises that when Karma comes back she would wear the kale suit an endless amount of times without complaint. 

 

As soon as she hung up, though, she couldn’t help but think _if_ she came back. Not when. _If._

 

She had no desire to go back. At all. The thought alone filled her with dread and was the driving force that led her to get out of bed each day. It pushed her through the busy shifts and kept her awake during the slow ones. It put the happy, pleased-to-be-here smile on her face and held her tongue when someone was particularly rude. It drove her because she felt like she had something to prove. That she needed to prove to everyone that she was okay here; that she didn’t need to go back to Austin because she could survive perfectly well on her own.

 

She needed to prove it because she didn’t want to go back to Austin. She didn’t belong there. Not anymore. 

 

Which is why when she stepped out of the elevator and rounded the corner towards her hotel room and saw Liam fucking Booker leaning against the wall, she almost turned and ran right back to the cafe. Her stomach filled with dread and if he hadn’t looked up and smiled that perfect fucking smile that led her to force one in return, she was certain she would have thrown up all over his sparkly shoes.

 

“Karma,” he smiled, reaching out and pulling her into a hug. She laughed nervously, swallowed hastily and awkwardly flung her arms around him. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want him here. Why was he here? Why now, of all the times he could have come, why now? She was frustrated and annoyed and tired. Her feet hurt and she just wanted to go to bed but now he was here and she would have to entertain him. She would have to _share a bed with him._ “It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you so much…”

 

“Yeah.” she muttered. “You too. Do you mind if we head inside? I’m all sweaty and gross.”

 

Liam shook his head, smiling at her and she suddenly felt very self-conscious. Her hair was a mess and here he was, looking like a goddamn model like he did every day of his existence. She felt sick again, and thus rushed unlocking the door, muttering a form of introduction to her hotel room before locking herself in the bathroom and sinking to the floor, cradling her head in her hands as she forced back the tears. 

 

“I will not cry. I will not cry.” she repeated the mantra as she went about her shower routine, spending more time than normal in there, trying to compose herself before she went out and greeted Liam again. “Why now?”

 

Whatever hopes she had had of a calm experience with Liam were lost when she walked out of the bathroom and saw him laying on the bed as if he himself were the occupant of the hotel room. As she saw him laying there, shirtless, suitcase stacked neatly in the corner, she was overcome with an immense amount of rage and suddenly she was screaming. 

 

“Why the fuck are you here? Who told you you could be here? Did my parents give you the address? Of course they did, no one else knows I’m here. For fuck sake, you have great timing, don't you?” She yelled at him, emphasising each point with an angry flick of her arm, and he just sat there, staring at her with sad eyes and stiff mouth. Tears fell down her cheeks and dropped to the floor. She didn’t know what she was saying, all she knew that she was angry and Liam Booker was the only person around to whom she could direct that anger. 

 

When she finally calmed down, Liam stood. Karma involuntarily took a step back, and Liam sighed, running a hand through his hair and looking at the ground. Her breaths were shallow, and tears still trickled down her face. Her mind was racing, and his silence wasn’t doing it any good. She wanted answers, but at the same time she didn’t. She didn’t know what she wanted. She wanted everything and nothing. 

 

“Look, Karma. In case you hadn’t realised, I’m still your boyfriend. I’m your boyfriend, Karma, and you just left. You didn’t say anything. Not a text, not a phone call. Nothing. You dropped off the face of the earth and I find out from _Lauren_ of all people that you’re here…” He was angry now, and Karma stared at him with wide eyes. In the time that she had known him, she had never seen Liam get angry, lest of all with _her._ Yet here he was, eyes narrowed and jaw firm. He was holding back, she realised, he was trying not to yell at her. “You’re selfish. You’re the most selfish person I know and for some fucked up reason… I still love you. And I came here, to tell you that I still love you despite the fact you are so incredibly selfish and fucked up in so many ways. Fuck, Karma. Why do you do this to me?”

 

He paused, and Karma almost thought he wanted an actual answer.

 

“You fucked up. But you can’t change what happened. And incase you’ve forgotten - you weren’t the only person who lost someone that day.”

 

They were both crying now, for different reasons, but that didn’t matter. In that moment they were both vulnerable. Exposed. In that moment, the past didn’t matter, and as Karma threw herself at Liam, he caught her. Lips met lips in a rushed, wet and furious embrace. Clothes were removed and naked bodies rubbed together; starting out rough and needy and transforming into something that was soft and sweet and quiet and tender. When Karma woke up to her alarm early the next morning, she realises that despite the fact that she hadn’t slept much last night, she was more awake than she had been since she had arrived in Chicago. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this story is coming to a close I should remind you all that I posted this under the genre "Tragedy" for a reason. The ending IS NOT HAPPY.
> 
> In saying that, there is an alternate version of the ending that I am more than happy to post if you guys want it. It's a more bittersweet ending.
> 
> So, If you want the second ending posted as well leave me a message


	9. In which Amy gets caught off-guard

**BEFORE**

Her days were spent sitting outside with a virgin margarita in her hand, talking with Lauren as the latter sunbathed bedside the in-ground pool. They talked nonsense, taking slight jabs at each other as they bet about who at their high school was most-like to end up in jail, or who would be pregnant before senior year, or who would drop out and become a plumber. It was a nice and very much needed distraction, and both made a conscious effort not to bring up the reason why they were here and not back home. 

 

They rarely saw Uncle Bill. He was a business man and when he wasn’t at work, he was in his office going over paperwork or planning his next series of meetings. His wife, a tall red-head by the name of Gertrude was currently unemployed, and despite Bill’s instance that she was job-searching, it was plainly obvious to both Lauren and Amy that she was not. Her love of spending days drinking by the pool and weekends on elaborate shopping trips far outweighed her husband’s instance that she find a job. As was the case with Bill, Lauren and Amy rarely saw Gertrude. She seemed to disappear a few hours after their arrival, and Lauren was certain that she was off having an affair. 

 

“She needs to be less obvious if she wants to keep her boy-toy _and_ her husband.” The sentence was said as Lauren rolled onto her back, closing her eyes against the harsh summer sun. Amy rolled her eyes in mock annoyance, not quite believing but certainly not disbelieving her sister’s theories. Lauren seemed to have a knack for picking up on relationship issues, and Gertrude having an affair was not all that un-plausible - especially considering Bill’s prolonged absences from the household. In fact, when Amy thinks it over, it would not be difficult to hide an affair from Bill. While he was an excellent businessman, he was not to most switched-on of men and his head for numbers did not translate to people. There was a reason why he spent most of his time buried in work and that was because he knew he would not be able to connect with either Amy or Lauren, and so he didn’t even try - having waited to greet them and show them around his home before excusing himself for the remainder of their stay. “I vote it’s a young man with an exotic flair.”

 

“God, you’re so dramatic,” Amy chided, readjusting herself in her chair. Unlike Lauren, who was clothed in a small bikini, Amy was wearing a loose fitting shit and cut-off jeans. When she had emerged from her room, Lauren had immediately pointed out how incredibly gay she looked, which turned into a verbal sparring match about stereotypes and judging a book by it’s cover. It was all in good-nature, though, as were most of their arguments these days. The time that their arguments were legitimately arguments seemed to be long gone and rarely spoken of. “It’s more likely the butcher. Did you see her when she came back from picking up the groceries? They totally had a quickie in the cold room.”

 

“You’re disgusting!”

 

“It’s true though.”

 

Lauren groaned, face wrinkling up in disgust before she began to laugh. Amy saw an opportunity and quickly stood, discarding her margarita to the side and in one swift movement, pushing Lauren into the pool. An outpouring of inventive cusses filled the air, accompanied by Amy’s laughter and then a shriek as Amy was pulled into the pool after her sister. 

 

“You little shit!” Amy exclaimed when she broke the surface, wiping her face and pulling the hair from her eyes. Lauren laughed and quickly swam away, knowing that Amy would surely be after her once she recovered her sense. Sure enough, Amy pushed after her, quickly catching up and encompassing the smaller girl in a whole-body embrace. 

 

The two began to wrestle, each attempting to gain the upper hand by pushing the other underwater. It didn’t last long though, as the back door opened and Gertrude’s voice broke them from their game. 

 

“Sorry, girls, but Amy, your phone keeps ringing and it is incredibly distracting for Bill. You know your uncle is working on some very important business work and can’t afford to have this inane ringing breaking his concentration!”

 

Amy pushes herself out of the pool, grabbing the towel Lauren had been sunbathing on earlier and wraps it around her body. She apologises to her aunt, saying she hadn’t realised she had left it inside and asking to pass on her apologies to her uncle. Gertrude nods in solemn understanding, and turns to walk back inside, reminding Amy that her Uncle has very important business and they are here on his kind heart and does not deserve this treatment from them both. 

 

The back door closes behind her and Amy turns to face Lauren, eyebrows raised in question about what on earth just occurred. Lauren shrugs. 

 

“She clearly hasn’t gotten butchered in a while.”

 

 

 

The missed calls had been from Shane, and Amy calls him back that night after dinner. Lauren had gone to her room, saying she was going to call Theo because she missed him, and Amy knew that was code for some kind of kinky phone-sex type thing and thus talking to Shane for a few hours was a decent enough distraction. 

 

He answers after the first few rings with an exclamation of “AMY!” and then a long babble about who much he misses her and when is she coming back? Amy laughs, assuring him that she missed him too and she would be back sooner rather than later, she just needed to clear her head and sort things out. 

 

Their conversation dropping into their usual banter, Shane filling her in on all the gossip from home including a very detailed recount of the latest party in which a long standing couple broke up and the party dissolved into somewhat of a civil war between the Hester High student body. Shane, of course, was Switzerland in the encounter and ended up delivering messages from one side to the other. Amy decides that it was probably a very good thing she wasn’t there. 

 

“Probably. You would have been forced into playing the lesbian ping-pong ball. Everyone would want you on their side. Ooooh! Maybe you could have been the secret agent, actually playing both sides. Now that would have been interesting.”

 

Amy laughs, and the two fall into silence, broken by Shane’s almost whispering of the question Amy was hoping he wouldn’t ask. 

 

“Have you heard from Karma?”

 

She hadn’t, and she almost wishes she had. Not even to find out where they stand, although that would be a great thing to know, but simply because she misses her. She misses her voice and her laugh and her detailed plans about how to deal with situations. She misses the easiness of their relationship and how everything always seemed to somehow _work_ despite the inherent dependant functionality of their relationship. She tells Shane as much, and he hums in understanding. 

 

“Maybe it’s better, you know, that you haven't heard from her. You both have relied on each other for so long. You both need to figure out how to survive without each other.”

 

He’s right, of course, but Amy doesn’t want to acknowledge that. A life without Karma in it was unfathomable for so long and now that it’s become reality, Amy knows that she is failing. Failing to survive, and despite her knowing that Karma wasn’t suffering as much as she was with her boyfriend and her popularity, Amy almost wishes that she was. 

 

Which is why when Lauren comes into her room soon after she says goodnight to Shane and states that they are going out, she doesn’t argue. She doesn’t argue because she needs a distraction and going out with Lauren always proved to be the best kind. 

 

They wind up in a small club that functions as a cafe during the day. It has flashing lights and music that in any other mindset Amy would complain about, but at the present moment she couldn’t care less. She takes a few shots with Lauren before they separate, agreeing to meet back at the bar in half an hour for another round. 

 

She dances with a few men and a few women, periodically excusing herself before another bathroom-incident occurs.

 

She dances with so many people she barely notices that she has danced with this woman before. Why they came back, she doesn’t know, but when she finally notices, she also notices that the woman is incredibly beautiful. Not Karma-beautiful, but beautiful in an entirely different way. Her hair falls effortlessly, and the way she moves her body seems simultaneously choreographed and improvised. The woman smiles at her, and Amy smiles back, and allows herself to be taken up by the woman’s embrace. 

 

They dance, for a long while, and Amy feel’s Lauren’s eyes on her when she misses their half-hourly meet up at the bar. She doesn’t care, though, because the woman’s eyes are staring into hers. When the woman leans down and asks in a husky voice what her name is, Amy whispers the answer back before asking the same question. She get’s one word in response before the woman’s lips are on hers. 

 

“Natasha.”


	10. In which Liam isn't a douche (again)

**AFTER**

It takes a few seconds after waking up for Liam to come to his sense and recognise his surroundings. The blurred outline of the stock hotel furniture and the small pile of the belongings Karma had acquired during her short stay puzzled him at first, but then his brain processed the information and he remembered what was happening and why he was there. 

 

It takes a few additional seconds to realise he is alone. 

 

Getting out of bed, he picks his clothes up off of the floor and puts on his pants, forgoing the shirt on the basis that he would be having a shower soon anyway. He then checks around the room, finding that he is, in fact, alone and Karma isn’t hiding in the bathroom or somewhere else out of immediate sight. In finding that she wasn’t, Liam sighed and ran a hand through his hair before deciding that before he did anything he should take a shower. 

 

All the best thinking happened in the shower, in Liam’s opinion, and he didn’t really understand how people could only take quick showers. He always ended up staying in there for _at least_ three times the intended time simply because he somehow found himself staring blankly at nothing in a mild existential-crisis. He was approximately 99% certain that all the Nobel Prize winners had come up with their award-winning ideas in the shower, all of his art concepts were thought of in the shower, and all of his decisions were made either in the shower or in the few minutes after he gets out of the shower and stands around in his towel. This is why it’s no surprise to him when he finds himself thinking about the situation with Karma whilst standing under the weak flow of the hotel’s shower. 

 

He loves Karma, of that there is no doubt, but whether or not he’s in love with her is a whole separate story; especially considering this stunt that she’s pulled. He can understand her motives; if the situation had been with him and Shane, he would have skipped town too. But to leave without even a phone call? To Liam, it simply showed where Karma stood in the relationship. 

 

Although, Karma clearly wasn’t thinking too clearly, and she did lose her phone. So realistically, it could be more of a “she didn’t know my number and therefore couldn’t call when she left on this escapade” kinda deal, right? Part of him hoped this was the case, but a bigger part of him knew that it wasn’t likely. She had spoken to her parents, she could have asked that a message be passed onto him. She could have visited him before she left. She could have done a lot of things to get in touch with him, but she didn’t do any of them. 

  
What was that saying again? “Actions speak louder than words”. That seemed to fit this situation perfectly, and as Liam stepped out of the shower and began to towel off, he noticed that Karma didn’t leave any suggestion as to where she was. He knew that she was probably at work, but she didn’t leave any direction of how to get there or even a name of the place. She clearly didn’t want to see him today, and that was the final push he needed to determine his course of action. 

 

+++

 

Karma was having a shit day. 

 

The cafe was busy, and two people hadn’t turned up to their shift, so even though she was supposed to leave at four, she didn’t get out until five-thirty and her lunch break was cut short so she didn’t get the chance to run back to the hotel and apologise to Liam for leaving without saying goodbye or leaving a note. She didn’t do it on purpose, having found that she was running late and forgetting until she was too far away from the hotel to turn back. The original plan was to run back during her lunch break, but Simon and Lisa hadn’t turned up and thus she had time to run to the toilet and make a sandwich before she had to start working again (she had to take bites of her sandwich whilst picking up orders from the kitchen). 

 

It really wasn’t a good day. 

As she pulled open the door of the hotel room, she saw Liam asleep on the couch, TV tuned into a movie channel Karma didn’t even know she had. Not that she had spent a great deal of time watching the TV, but considering she was a huge fan of movies in general, she was surprised that she hadn’t noticed it at all. 

 

She leant down and kissed him softly on the forehead, causing him to stir and she couldn't help but giggle at the confused expression on his face as he regained his bearings. 

 

“Look who decided to return,” he mumbled, sitting up blinking the sleep from his eyes. Karma frowned, tilting her head to look at him and noticing for the first time that his eyes were red and his face slightly blotched. He had been crying. At her confused expression, Liam rolled his eyes and pushed himself up off of the couch, “oh don’t give me that. You clearly don’t want me here. You left, without so much as a note to tell me where I could find you. I came here for YOU, Karma, and you weren’t here!”

 

“I was at work. It was busy and I - “

 

“Don’t.”

 

Liam’s voice was strained and Karma knew that he was trying to reign himself in. She closed her mouth and blinked back tears, knowing full well that this was not the time to cry. Not with Liam as angry as he appeared to be, and not with so much hanging in the line. She needed to compose herself. 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Liam just grunted in response, looking her up and down before sighing and sitting back down. He motioned for Karma so sit beside him and she did, carefully making sure there was ample space between them so as to not cross any boundaries he may have set up in her absence. 

 

“I think we should break up.”

 

The air caught in Karma’s throat, and she attempted to swallow it down. While she knew to some degree that this was going to happen, she hadn’t expected Liam to be so blunt about it. It was for the best, she knew that, but it still hurt and she felt somewhat pathetic next to the stoic Liam Booker who appeared emotionless beside her. He had had all day to sort through her emotions, though, and she was being a bit harsh on herself she knew, but it didn’t help still the flood of emotions that flew through her. 

 

“Okay.”

 

Liam looked at Karma in surprise, and seemed to struggle to find the words to respond. 

 

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

 

“What do you want me to say? That it’s better that we don’t? Beg you to stay? You and I both know that those would be lies, and we both know how you feel about lies. So….” she swallowed, and willed herself not to cry yet, “what do you want me to say?”

 

Liam stayed quiet for some time, biting his lip as he studied Karma almost as if he were trying to work out if she was serious or not. Finally, he looked away and nodded, slowly at first and then with more conviction. 

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

They stared at each other, neither knowing exactly the situation was between them now, and neither knowing how to go about it now that they found themselves in it. 

 

“You can stay here tonight, if you want. I’m guessing you’ll go back home tomorrow?” Liam nodded slowly, still staring at her with a blank expression. Karma nodded in response and stood, gathering a few clothes and stuffing them into a bag. “I’ll go somewhere else. I have a few friends I can call.”

 

“I don’t want to inconvenience you….”

 

“It’s fine. I think it better if we don’t stay in the same room tonight. We both have things to process and…yeah”

 

She sighed, and looked at him still seated on the couch. Seemingly coming to some form of conclusion in her mind, she nodded to herself a few times before speaking again. 

 

“Come see me tomorrow before you go though? I’d like to say goodbye properly. When we aren’t so…” she waved her hand between them and then around the room in general. Liam laughed which made Karma laugh.

 

“Emotional?” he offered.

 

“I was going to say confused. But either works.”

 

Liam nodded, and Karma moved to the desk the hotel provided and scribbled down a name and an address on the notepad. She ripped it off and handed it to Liam. 

 

“That’s the cafe I work at. I start at seven tomorrow, which means my lunch break will be around one. It’s on your way to the station, so even if you come in for a few minutes before you leave…” she shrugged, looking around the room before meeting Liam’s eyes. “It would mean a lot if you could.”

 

She didn’t wait for Liam’s response, turning on her heel and rushing out the door. Liam stood in place for a few minutes, gripping the piece of paper in his hands and starring at the spot Karma had stood in moments before. 

 

It was time for another shower. 

 

+++

 

Karma knocked on the door in front of her. She was crying. She had been since the moment the hotel door had swig shut behind her. The tears fell quick and hot, and she had needed to stop on the short walk here because she could see through the wetness. A few people had looked at her in concern, but hadn’t stopped her or asked her what was wrong. Maybe it was the fast pace she was walking, or the expression on her face which was a mix between anger and sadness.  Maybe it was something completely different, but she didn’t complain. If she were honest with herself (something she was trying very hard to be), she was glad no one had stopped her. She probably wouldn’t have made it here if they had. 

 

The door swung open and Phillip stood before her, half dressed and an apple in hand. The sight made Karma laugh, and Phillip laughed nervously in response. 

 

Stepping back, he allowed Karma to enter, muttering quick apologies about the state of his apartment. Karma didn’t care about that though, and as soon as Phillip had closed the door again she fell into his arms, causing the older man to stumble back. He caught her, though, and they both sunk to the floor. 

 

“Shhhhhh,” he whispered, moving the hair out of Karma’s face, “shhhhh”

 

“I’m sorry,” she choked out, “I didn’t know where else to go.”

 

“It’s alright, sweet cheeks,” Phillip responded, smiling softly, “you can stay here anytime you like.”

 

They sat in silence for a while, Karma eventually calming and Phillip fighting to urge to ask what the hell had happened. He knew that Karma’s boyfriend had showed up, and Karma wasn’t sure how to feel about it, and logic suggests that he had something to do with it. He wasn’t sure though, and didn’t want to upset the girl more than she already was so he looked around the room for inspiration to start another line of communication. 

 

Spotting his half-eaten apple laying on the floor, she smiled to himself before looking down at the girl in his arms and stating, “you’ll need to get me a new apple though.”

 

And Karma laughed. 


	11. In which Karma hurts

**BEFORE**

 

Word had gotten out that Amy had left town, and of course with a student body as gossip-fuels as the one at Hester, the news soon landed in a brief text on Karma’s phone that caused the breath in her chest to freeze and her mind to speed up. 

 

Why had she left? 

 

Why hadn’t she said anything? 

 

Where did she go?

 

Of course, she knew that she didn’t really have any reason to know the answers. She had made herself perfectly clear the Amy: she didn’t want anything to do with her. At the time, too, she had meant it. Now, knowing that Amy was gone (forever?) she was rethinking that decision. 

 

Not that she could do anything about it. 

 

The text was from Liam, and she called him when she regained the ability to breathe. It was a quick conversation: shane had told him (of course), and he thought she should know (how caring). Was she alright? (she didn’t know). And was she free for dinner tomorrow night? (yes). 

 

She told her mum the news, that Amy was gone. When did it become news? When did Amy receive celebrity status? She knew the answer to that, but she didn’t want to admit that it was her fault. That everything was her fault. She wasn’t ready to face that, or the plaguing guilt that she knew would inevitably follow. She wasn’t ready for much, she was finding. 

 

Her mother asked the same questions regarding her wellbeing and she answered almost robotically. After promises that yes, she would drink the herbal tea to soothe her aura and yes, she would find out where exactly Amy had gone, her mother finally released her and she wandered, empty, to her room. 

 

Logically, if she had wanted to erase Amy from her life completely, the photos and presents from Amy would have been gone from her room but they were still all there, in their normal places. Karma looked at them now, thinking back to when things weren’t so complicated and frustrating and messed up. It was her fault, she knew that, but she still hated the fact that it had caused so many problems. Her wish was simple, but she hadn’t thought through the consequences. 

 

Now she was living them. 

 

She didn’t think before she acted, not that she ever did. The phone was in her hand and ringing before she realised what she was doing, and it was connected before she could think through what she was going to say. 

 

“Hello?”

 

“Amy”

 

There was silence, and Karma listened to the sound of Amy breathing steadily on the other end of the line. She swallowed, staring at the picture on her bedside table. Amy had an identical one, on her bedside table. Or she did. It had been a while since she had been in Amy’s room and she didn’t know if it was still there. She hoped it was, but she doubted it. 

 

“Did you want something?”

 

Amy’s voice was blunt and emotionless, probably intentional, Karma knew, but it hurt nonetheless. She swallowed back the tears and willed her voice to remain steady and she formed her next words. 

 

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay”

 

“Bit late for that, but thanks”

 

Karma closed her eyes, the words she knew she needed to say on the edge of her tongue but she couldn’t quite bring herself to say them. Instead, she began to say something else, but was cut off by an unfamiliar voice in the background, causing Amy to laugh before Amy, _her Amy_ , replied with “of course, babe” in a voice so different to the one she had used with Karma. 

 

“I’ve got to go. Thanks for calling.” The breath again caught in Karma’s chest and she swallowed hard, feeling the pain in her chest intensify with each word. “I’ll see you around.”

 

The line went dead. 

 

_See you around_. 

 

There was no goodbye, no endearment, no mention of their previous years of friendship. Just a simple dismissal, something you would say to a colleague at work. An acquaintance. 

 

Was that all they were? Acquaintances? Years of friendship boiled down to a simple sentence that somehow hurt more than the dismissive tone in Amy’s voice. Than the disappearance of her best friend. Of the abrupt way her best friend had left and she still didn’t know where she was. 

 

_See you around_. 

 

The words repeated in Karma’s mind for hours after, plaguing her thoughts and causing more hurt than they originally had. It was self-destructive, she knew, but she didn’t really care. Part of her thought she deserved it, the other part knew she did. She had caused the hurt that had simmered down to resignation and dismissal. She had caused the rift between them to grow. 

 

It was her fault. Of course she deserved to hurt. 

 

Liam protested, of course, but she didn’t indulge him. He was torn between his girlfriend and his best friend. Two sides of an argument. She didn’t want to hurt him any more than she already had, so they didn’t talk about it. They ignored the topic completely, focusing instead on bad movies and cinema popcorn. On kissing and star constellations. 

 

It was a tactic that probably wasn’t at all healthy, but in the moment it was completely necessary. 

 

Everything else could wait. 

 

Like thinking about the girl Amy had called babe. 


	12. In which Shane makes sense

**AFTER**

This is so not what he meant when he wished for lesbian energy in his life. 

 

He was gay for a reason, and part of that was because girl-related drama was not his forte. So when Amy had told him she was in love with Karma, he went along with it. When Liam started secretly dating Karma, he went alone with it. When Karma stomped all over Amy’s heart, he was there for her. And when Amy and Lauren left town he supported them. Because he is a great friend _or whatever_. 

 

Now. He was over it. 

 

He’d lost a good friend because of this chick and he wasn’t about to let her run away from everything. 

 

Not again. 

 

So he tracked her down. It wasn’t hard. Not really. He had gotten the details out of Liam pretty easily, the only difficult part was dragging his poor body onto the bus and avoiding the people as he walked to the hotel. His body was not equipped for this sort of activity, and he swore to whoever was listening that he would drag Karma back to Texas if it were the last thing he would ever do. 

 

She was not getting away with this. Not on his watch. 

 

He pretty much banged the door down, when he got there. Not expecting Karma to answer quickly, he decided to make as much noise as humanly possible so that she would be forced to answer the door for fear of noise complaints. Which was why he triple checked that he had to right door; no sense in interrupting the perfectly normal night of a sane member of society, after all. He was sure they were out there, just not in his immediate vicinity. 

 

She answered, after a while, and glared at him. He was unfazed though, and pushed his way into the room, glancing around at the modest set up before making himself right at home on the bed. Bitch wasn’t going to make him sleep on the couch. That wasn’t happening. 

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“And hello to you too.”

 

Karma rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. It was a self-protection gesture that gave Shane a silent ego boost and he grinned to himself. He had the power in this situation. He knew it, Karma knew it. Hell, the man at reception that directed him to this room probably knew it. Shane was here with a purpose and to hell if Karma was going to stop him from achieving it. Shane Harvey didn’t do things half-assed. 

 

“I’ll repeat myself: what are you doing here?”

 

It was a weak attempt at gaining control, and it didn’t phase Shane. Not in the slightest. 

 

“You’re coming back home. With me. Soon.”

 

“What makes you think that’s going to happen?”

 

“A lot of things.”

 

Karma huffed, and stared at the ceiling. She looked tired, and older. The weight of everything had clearly taken it’s toll on the girl, and part of Shane was happy to see that she was at least suffering a little. It was a horrible thought, he knew, but knowing that Amy hadn’t suffered so much for nothing was a relief. But he also knew that if Karma was hurting over this whole stupid situation, Shane knew it would be harder to get her to come back. She had clearly left for a reason, and that reason was probably that it all got too much. Making her return to that wouldn’t be easy, but it could be done. If he played his cards right. 

 

“I’m not going back.”

 

Shane rolled his eyes. He’d almost forgotten how stubborn this chick was. It was infuriating. Shaking his head, he stood up and unzipped his bag, ruffling through it until he found a new shirt and underwear. He needed a shower, and he really hoped that the pressure in this hotel’s bathroom was aqeuqate. He needed to wash of the feeling of strangers that he had acquired on the trip here and a weak shower pressure was not going to suffice. 

He stood up. 

 

“You’ve created a shit storm and run away. Again. Albeit, more dramatically than you usually do, but you’ve still done it and I am not going to stand by and let that happen. You need to face what you’ve done, Karma. Running away isn’t going to solve anything, and no matter what, sooner or later it’s all going to come back and bite you. Hard. So get your shit together and go face the music because I’ll be damned if you hurt someone else.”

 

He watched Karma standing still for a few moments before he started in the direction of the bathroom. Before he closed the door behind him he added, almost as an afterthought, “I’ve lost Amy, but I’ll be damned if I lose you too.”

 

+++

 

The door to the bathroom opened and Shane nearly fell through the door. Karma had no boundaries, he remembered, but that didn’t usually mean she would walk in on him while he was naked. She normally at least knocked. 

 

He covered himself quickly, but just as quickly realised that Karma had been crying. 

 

“I can’t go back, Shane.”

 

Correction: she was still crying. 

 

“I just can’t.”

 

Shane rolled her eyes. Dramatic. So dramatic. _Take back the lesbian energy_. 

 

“It’s too much. Everything reminds me of her. I can’t walk down the street without remembering that _there was the place Amy dropped her ice-cream on the pavement and we shared mine._ I can’t walk through my own house without remembering Amy walking down the exact same part. I can’t even get the sleep at night because everything in my room is connected to Amy. Hell, _I’m_ connected to Amy. We were friends our whole lives, and it’s  my fault that everything happened. My fault, and try as I might I can’t blame anyone else because I _know_ that I fucked up. I fucked up big time and there is nothing I want more than to take everything back. But I can’t, Shane. I can’t change anything because she’s _gone_ and it’s my fault.”

 

She stopped, and breathed heavily for a few seconds. Shane just looked at her, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. _Shit_ , he thought, _maybe she had grown up._

 

_“_ I can’t go back to all that, Shane. It’s bad enough that I hate myself, but knowing that everyone else hates me too…I can’t.” She laughed slightly, “You know our school, I’ll be crucified as soon as I walk onto campus. I’m better off here. I can hate myself in peace.”

“Not everyone hates you, Karma” Shane said. It wasn’t a total lie. Liam didn’t hate her, her parents didn’t hate her. She was right about the school thing though, and part of him understood where she was coming from. He stood by his original thoughts though; she can’t run away from what she’s created. Everyone at school may hate her, but they will get distracted in no time and find something else to direct their attention to. “I don’t hate you.”

 

If Karma was surprised at his words, Shane was even more so. Especially since he realised they were true. It took them a moment of silent starring before Karma cleared her throat and told Shane she would let him finish his shower. He didn’t stay in there for long though, realising he didn’t really want to stay in there anyway. _Water pressure is shit_. 

 

He took his time getting dressed and when he exited the bathroom was surprised to see Karma packing up her things. She didn’t turn to look at him when he asked her what she was doing, but he was surprised to hear her response anyway. 

 

“We’re going back to Austin.”

 

He raised his eyebrows.

 

“Tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU WANT TO READ THE HAPPIER ENDING CUT TO "ALTERNATE ENDING" NOW


	13. In which there is a fight

**_BEFORE_ **

 

Amy wasn’t sure why she was turning up to this thing. It wasn’t like she had any real obligation to. According to Shane, people had missed her. They wanted to see her, to talk to her. According to Shane, people were genuinely concerned about her. It made her nervous. Nervous and excited and a little uncomfortable because, in her sixteen years on this planet, the number of people who had genuinely cared about her were limited to one hand in numbers and  now there was a whole party full. 

 

She would be lying if she said it didn’t feel a little good though. 

 

So she turned up, and she smiled and she told people that she was getting better and _yes I will be at school after Summer break_. They smiled in return and told her that they were glad and a few had hugged her and told her that they were really happy she was getting better. Lots of them had bought her drinks as well, and asked her to dance with them. She humoured them, before retuning to the couch where she flopped down and looked to her right and smiled. 

 

Natasha was sitting there, talking to some people who had noticed that she had come in with Amy. She had garnered a quick celebrity reputation, considering that Amy herself was somewhat of a celebrity at Hester. People automatically liked her, too. Not just because she was dating Amy, but because Natasha was a genuinely likeable person.   


The fact that she was incredibly attractive was just a bonus. 

 

“Hope you aren’t too bored.”  Amy was only half joking, and Natasha just rolled her eyes and shuffled closer to her girlfriend. She entangled their fingers and smiled. Amy really liked when Natasha smiled, because more often than not she would smile with her eyes but not her mouth. When she did smile with her mouth, it was small and discrete, but always beautiful and always for her. It made her heart do funny things in her chest, and she found herself nervous and unsure but also incredibly happy.  “We can leave if you want.”

 

“Dont be ridiculous,” Natasha used their entwined hands to lightly smack Amy. The blow his the blonde’s breast, and Amy looked at her with mock shock and feigned insult. 

 

“How dare you,” she disengaged their hands folded them across her body. Natasha threw back her head and laughed, causing a few people to stop their conversations and watch on in interest. “They are national treasures and should be protected, not abused in such ways!”

 

“You’re so dramatic,” Natasha chastised, leaning over to peck Amy on the cheek. 

 

Amy pouted, and Natasha wrapped her arms around the blonde’s neck, causing said blonde to roll her eyes and let out a huff. The people around them watched in amusement, not used to seeing Amy so carefree and puppy-like. It was a nice change, or so was the collective thought, to see Amy happy. She deserved it, and everyone knew it. 

 

Karma knew it, too, but she wasn’t necessarily happy that the cause of that happiness was someone other than _her._

 

Liam and Karma stood to the side, talking with a group of people from Liam’s art class. They seemed to know a great deal about Karma, but Karma was struggling to remember their names. The most she seemed to put into the conversation was a grunt and a nod and the occasional laugh if the moment required it. She wasn’t really paying attention, though, and if it weren’t for Liam’s arms draped around her midsection she would have left a long time ago. 

 

She was watching the scene on the couch. 

Part of her wanted to go over and interrupt, but she knew that as soon as she began walking over there, a swarm of protective students would intercept. They had classed her as the bad guy, and it seemed as though they weren’t going to let her anywhere near Amy for fear that Karma would run her out of town again. Especially now that Amy was happy. 

 

With that girl. 

 

Karma could admit that Amy did look happy. The light in her eyes was new, and the smile seemed genuine. Karma was jealous, though, because in all their years of friendship she had never seen Amy smile like that, and the fact that someone who had known her a mere few weeks could bring that out of her and Karma, who had known her for _years_ couldn’t…it made her jealous. 

 

So she stayed with Liam, and put in just enough conversation to keep up appearances, but she watched the scene on the couch and the people forming a protective circle around it and she fought back the tears that threatened to escape all the while feeling like the walls were closing in on her and she was struggling to breathe. 

 

Eventually, she stepped outside. 

 

Amy was there, alone, drinking what looked to be soda but could very well have been laced with something else. She was sitting and staring into the glass, and Karma had a small battle with herself about whether or not to go and sit down with her. 

 

She did. 

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

When did their conversations become so strained? Probably around the time Karma broke Amy’s heart. It wasn’t said, but they both knew it, and it hung between them in thick air; a constant reminder that things had gone sour and it could never be completely reversed. 

 

“You look happy.”

 

It was true, and Karma felt her voice quiver as she spoke the words, ignoring the job in her heart at the way Amy’s face lit up. 

 

“I’m getting there.”

 

“I’d say you’ve probably gotten there.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

The silence was tense and Karma decided she should probably do something or leave. It was a quick battle, and she knew she would probably regret it later but in that moment she entirely believed that it needed to be done, because if she didn’t do it now she knew she never would. And she knew she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t. 

 

“Amy?”

 

As the blonde looked up, Karma quickly closed the back, locking her lips with Amy’s. 

 

Amy froze. 

 

Amy pulled away.

 

Amy slapped her.

 

“How dare you.”

 

It wasn’t yelled. It was quiet and cold, and Amy’s face was just as stony. Karma didn’t apologise, though, but kept her face just as neutral. 

 

“I needed to.”

 

“No you didn’t.”

 

That was the last thing that was said between them. 

 

 

 

Karma found out from Liam, who found out from Shane who was called by Lauren. 

 

It was quick, she heard, but it was brutal. She’d seen the car. She’d made Liam take her to see it the day after it was taken to the wreckers. There wasn’t much left of it; it was more just a pile of metal now. Any resemblance of the car it was was gone. 

 

She made Liam tell her over and over and over again what he’d heard from Shane. Even when she could repeat it word for word, she made him say it. It became a ritual, of sorts, and every time they saw each other she made him say it. 

 

Over and over and over again. 

 

“Again” she would say. 

 

“They were driving home,” he would say, “Amy was driving, because she hadn’t had any alcohol. The radio was on, they were holding hands.

 

“A truck went through a red light. It was speeding. He was drunk. They would have been killed instantly.”

 

She would sit in silence, digesting the words. 

 

“Again.”


	14. Photos on the wall

**AFTER**

 

You’ve never known your mother to be happy. You’ve seen her smile, of course, and laugh, but she’s never been _happy_ like you’ve seen other people be happy. It never really bothered you until now, when you start to understand more. You start to put the pieces together, little by little as you hear things and see things and remember things. Maybe you shouldn’t meddle, but once you’ve started you just can’t stop because you have the overwhelming urge to make your mum happy. 

 

If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s her. 

 

You start out small, asking grandma and grandpa about your mother’s childhood after thanksgiving dinner one year. They oblige of course, not being the sort of people to miss a chance of embarrassing your mum (you’re kinda glad that your mum isn’t like that - you’d die of embarrassment). 

 

They end up pulling out the photo albums, going through and telling you the stories behind them. and not for the first time you ask about the girl. The blonde one, that you’ve seen in so many photos, and everyone goes quiet and then your dad comes in and tells you it’s time for bed (it’s only six but you never argue). You glance at your mum and she looks sadder than normal, and when you hug her and kiss her goodnight she barely responds, replying with “I love you too” as if on autopilot. 

 

You go back downstairs later that night, once everyone has gone to bed, and you look through the photo albums again. The blonde girl is always there, right from when your mum was a little kid all the way until high school. Then she just disappears, but it isn’t that fact that stands out to you the most. It’s the fact that after the blonde girl disappears, your mum gets sad. Once you’ve discovered this, you know you need to find out who she is. Who she was. 

 

It isn’t easy. Your parents don’t make it easy. You know you can’t just ask them, and grandma and grandpa wouldn’t tell you (you know that because of their reaction at thanksgiving), so you decide to ask Uncle Shane when he picks you up from school one day. It takes a while, though, finding the right words. You’ve never been good with words, and sometimes you get made fun of at school because of it. Your mum always stands up for you, though, and tells you that sometimes if you can’t find the right words you just need to find a different way of saying what you mean. 

 

“Were you mum’s only friend in High School?” you ask as you walk to his car. Uncle Shane looks down at you, raising an eyebrow in the way that he does when he knows something interesting is about to happen (he gives your mum that look a lot, and it makes you wonder what he knows that you don’t). “I mean, I know she had dad, but they weren’t friends in High School, right? So were you here only friend?”

 

“What makes you ask that, buddy?” Uncle Shane laughs a little bit, and helps you into the front seat. He’s the only one that lets you sit in the front, and you grin at Tommy Henderson who is being strapped into the carseat in the back of the car next to you. He frowns at you, so you stick your tongue out and smile to yourself. 

 

“I’m just wondering”

 

“I know you better than that, Jayden.”

 

Uncle Shane gives you a look that tells you that he wont let this go, and you sigh to yourself. You love your Uncle Shane, but he’s very annoying and is the reason you told your parents you don’t want a younger sibling. It’s hard enough being five and a half and having to deal with Uncle Shane. You don’t know if you could handle another one. 

 

“In the photos at grandma’s place, there lots of pictures of mum at school. And I see you and Dad and a blonde girl but mum never talks about her.”

 

Uncle Shane goes quiet, and he looks at you before silently closing the door and walking around to the drivers side. You bite your lip. It’s very rare that Uncle Shane doesn’t say anything, and when he is silent you know that the situation is serious. It makes you nervous, and you swallow hard, hoping that you havent made him angry. 

 

“I think this is a conversation you need to have with your mum,” he says, getting into the car. 

 

“I’ve tried, but no one tells me anything.”

 

“Maybe when you’re a little bit older,” Uncle Shane smiles and ruffles your hair, which makes you pout and shake him off. He laughs. “It’s not a happy story, and I think that when you’re older she will tell you. Just not at the moment.”

 

You nod. 

 

It’s useless arguing with adults, anyway. 

 

 

 

You are twelve when she finally tells you. You don’t ask her to, but she comes into your room one day and sits on your bed and begins to tell you. 

 

She tells you about the start, when they met in the ball pit, and she tells you about the middle when they were inseparable and did everything together. About the joint halloween costumes and the girls weekends. She tells you about starting high school and how no one really spoke to them but they didn’t care because they had each other. 

 

And she tells you about the end. 

 

About how she ruined it, with her want to be popular. 

 

“It was stupid,” she said, looking at you with an expression you have never seen before. It was sad and regretful and you move closer to her and wrap your arms around her body. She breathes in heavily, and wraps an arm around you, pulling you closer. “I was young and thought that being popular would make me happy. I didn’t see that the one person that made me happy was with me all along.”

 

She tells you about that night, when she lost everything. About how she made your dad repeat the sequence of events over and over and over. About how he didn’t mind, because he knew that she needed to hear it. She tells you about running away to Chicago and how Uncle Shane had brought her home. 

 

She tells you everything, and suddenly you understand. Mostly. 

 

“What did you do when you came back?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

It confuses you, and you pull back to look at her. She wasn’t crying, which surprised you. She looked almost peaceful, as she looked at you. Not for the first time you see the lines on her face and realise exactly how much holding this all in had aged her, and a weight you didn’t realise was gripping your heart suddenly got heavier. 

 

“I did nothing.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“I just went back to school. I became a nobody again. Lauren didn’t speak to me and I don’t blame her. I spoke to Shane and your dad and a few other people in that group outside school, but at school nobody spoke to me and I didn’t speak to them. I just…existed.”

 

You nod, slowly beginning to understand.

 

“How did you get back with dad then?”

 

“Much later. We ended up at the same college. We weren’t together straight away, but we both did some growing up and when we decided to try again it just worked. We were far less dysfunctional than we were when we were in high school.”

 

You nod again, and lean back into her, processing the information she had just told you. 

 

“But if there is one thing you should know, darling, it’s this.” She takes a deep breath and you hold yours. When she speaks again it’s softer than before, each word tender and thought out. 

 

“Amy was the love of my life, and I live with what happened every day of my life. But I dont regret a thing because even though she shouldn’t have died when she did, I know that I can never hurt her again.”

 

She leaves then, kissing your forehead and ruffling your hair. You tell her you love her and she smiled sadly and says she loves you too. 

 

From under your bed you pull out the photo albums you took from Grandma’s place and looking through them know, knowing the stories behind them, you smile. 

 

You smile because you finally understand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So this is the last one but as some people have requested an alternate ending I have one mapped out which I will post in a few weeks (I'm going to Thailand until the 10th of Feb so yeah). 
> 
> I'll either post it as a separate fic or add it onto this one - I'm not sure which yet (if you have a preference let me know) Otherwise I'll see you all in a few weeks! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who supported this story - both here and on ff.net :)


	15. Alternate Ending

You’re eighteen when you find her. You hadn’t actually sought her out, but when you do see her sitting on the bench in the park reading a book you remember vaguely from english lit in junior year you don’t stop yourself from going over. 

 

She looks up for a moment when you sit down, but it isn’t for long and she quickly goes back to reading. She’s older, obviously, but the curve of her nose and the shape of her eyes are definitely the same as in the pictures your grandma showed you from high school. You study her, as she is reading, and you know she can tell because a frown forms on her face and eventually she looks up. 

 

“Do you need something?”

 

It isn’t rude, but it isn’t exactly friendly either and you have to remind yourself that she has no idea who you are. You swallow, suddenly nervous and during your silence she starts to get up. You reach out and touch her arm. 

 

“Please don’t go.”

 

She frowns again, and looks down at you and something in the way you are looking at her must tell her more than your words ever could because her face changes and suddenly she looks afraid. 

 

You swallow again. 

 

“My name is Jayden. You’re Amy.”

 

She nods, sitting down slowly. 

 

“You’re Karma’s son.”

 

You nod. She begins to cry. 

 

+++

 

You meet her a few times between the time you accidentally met her in the park and the day you leave for college. It’s always in the same coffee shop and you think that it might have some significance to her but you don’t ask. 

 

She asks a lot about you; what you like, what you don’t like, what you’re going to study at college. She asks about friends and High School and you tell her it was alright because your Uncle Shane taught you how to throw a killer party. She rolls her eyes at that, but she also looks sad and you don’t mention Shane again. 

 

You ask her about herself but she doesn’t say much. She went to college in New York and while she isn’t married she is still with the girl she was with in High School. They adopted twins a few years ago and they’ve just started middle school. She shows you pictures on her phone and you tell her that they are adorable. The smile she gives you when you say that lights up her entire face. She looks so proud when she talks about her family and you’re glad that she hasn’t been sad this entire time. 

 

Sometimes you’ll say something about your mum, but Amy never asks. She seems to avoid the topic most of the time and you know that she needs time to get used to the idea of having your mum in her life again, but you’re also running out of time. You leave for college in two weeks and if you leave the state without the two of them at least having met each other again you know they will never do it on their own. 

 

Your mum doesn’t even know you’ve met Amy. 

So you give Amy your address and tell her that your dad and you would be at the pool on Saturday afternoon. Your mum would be home alone. 

 

She takes the piece of paper and stares at it. She doesn’t say anything, but she nods and tucks the paper into her pocket. 

 

You don’t know if she will go, but you can hope. 

 

+++

 

Amy calls you Saturday morning and says that she can’t go to your house but maybe she could meet everyone at the coffee shop. You agree and tell your parents that you’d like to just have lunch out as a family. Your dad gives you a strange look but agrees and so you find yourself sitting in a booth at the coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon waiting. 

 

No one else knows you’re waiting though. 

 

You see her come in, look around nervously before catching your eye and smiling. Your dad is at the counter ordering and when she sees that you visible relaxes. You aren’t 100% sure what happened between your dad and Amy, but you know they never had the best relationship so you slide out of the booth and go and keep your dad distracted. 

 

Out of the corner of your eye you see Amy walk up to your mum. You can’t hear what they are saying but your mum starts to cry and they hug. 

 

You know that there is still a long way to go, so many years have changed things, but when you see Amy take out her phone and your mum cover her mouth in an excited gasp you know that everything would work out just fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr montivagancy.tumblr.com
> 
> Let me know your thoughts/feelings!


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